Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey Stuff
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: The boys from the Dwarf meet the iconic wandering Time Lord.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is another random idea, so I hope you like it! Set after the episode Legion, so Rimmer is in hard light mode already, approx series six, but a bit AU because they still have Holly. Enjoy!**

Rimmer cautiously ran a finger over the control panel of Starbug. Surely he could find a planet to land on and explore? Just for a few hours. The others were asleep. They need never know. Suddenly making his decision, he slipped into what was usually Lister's seat and took hold of the controls.

"Psst, Holly." he whispered. Holly appeared on the screen with a tiny popping sound.

"Why are you whispering Arnold?" Holly said in her usual voice.

"Shh!" Rimmer hissed. "The others are still asleep. Give me manual control will you?"

"OK Arnold." she said, popping off the screen. Rimmer slowly piloted Starbug towards a nearing planet. All of a sudden, alarms started blaring and red lights began to flash all around the cockpit.

"Rouge Vigilant! Rouge Vigilant!" Holly said, appearing on the screen again.

"Holly, why the smeg are you talking in French?"

"Ah, ma petit, je suis capable de parler français, anglais et allemand."

"Er, and en anglais, por favor Holly?" Rimmer said exasperatedly, unknowingly muddling Spanish and French into his question.

"I have the ability to speak French, English and German." Holly said, rolling her computer-generated eyes.

"And why are you saying 'rouge vigilant' instead of 'red alert'?"

"Warum nicht?" she smirked. Rimmer glared at her. "I thought it would make a nice change." she said. Just then, Lister, Cat and Kryten clattered into the cockpit.

"What the smeg have you gone and done now, Rimmer?" Lister said angrily.

"It wasn't me! I was only piloting the 'Bug down to that planet, and suddenly all these alarms went off!" Rimmer wailed, cringing at Lister's angry tone.

"Care to explain, Holly?" Kryten asked.

"Well, there's some kind of disruption to the fabric of time and space. It's like, you know how everyone thinks time and space runs on a straight line?" Everyone nodded impatiently. "Actually, you know what, the story can wait, the disruption seems to be changing. Something's materialising, and it's coming out inside the 'Bug!"

"What is it?" Rimmer asked.

"It doesn't smell like anything we've come across before!" Cat told them. "My feckles are standing right up!" A whooshing sound echoed throughout Starbug and a gust of wind blew everyone out of their positions and onto the floor in a tangled heap.

"What the smeg is going on?" Lister asked. Or more accurately, he said, "_'Ot the fmeg if 'oing 'om?_" due to the fact that his face was smushed against the floor.

"I don't know." Kryten replied, sounding none the worse for wear as he got to his feet and helped up Lister, Cat and... "Oh my!"

"What's wrong, Kryten?" Lister queried. Kryten simply pointed at the scattered and smashed remnants of Rimmer's light bee. "Oh smeg. We must've crushed it when we fell on him."

"That's impossible. He should be indestructible." Kryten said.

"He must have taken his own light bee out to save himself, and then we squashed it." Lister said.

"So Goal-Post Head's gone?" Cat said. "Aooww yeah!" He started to dance around the cockpit.

"This is not really the time, sir! We have something on board which could be dangerous! Holly, show us security camera footage." Kryten said. Holly disappeared, and her face was replaced with a fuzzy picture of the sleeping quarters, with a new addition to it. The three of them peered at it.

Smack bang in the middle of the room was a tall blue box with POLICE BOX written on it.

"What...?" Lister said.

"I think you'll find that's my line." came a male voice from behind them.

"AAAARGH!" they all yelled, whirling around to face the intruder. Lister grabbed a bazookoid from the floor and pointed it at the man, who immediately put his hands up.

"It's OK, it's OK, no weapons, see? I'm harmless!" he gabbled.

Lister, Kryten and Cat took in the appearance of the man. He was dressed in a suit and trench coat teamed with canvas trainers, and his hair was brown and scruffy.

"Mr. Lister sir, I think you can put down the bazookoid now." Kryten said. Lister dropped it and walked tentatively towards the man.

"Erm, hi. I'm Dave Lister. Who are you?"

"They call me the Doctor. Nice to meet you Dave." the man called the Doctor said, extending a hand, which Lister shook warmly. "Human, aren't you Dave? Brilliant! You just keep on surviving, don't you? That's what I love about the human race, they never give up!" The Doctor crossed the cockpit to Kryten. "An old Series 4000 Mechanoid! I haven't met one of your series in decades! What do they call you?"

"Kryten, Mr. The Doctor sir." Kryten said.

"Hey, less of the Mr. The Doctor stuff. It's just 'The Doctor', OK? Put it there Kryten." The Doctor shook Kryten by the hand before turning to Cat. "And who might you be?"

"I'm the Cat. And don't even try to offer me your hand! As if I could shake hands with someone who's as fashion-impaired as you? Aooww! Forget it bud!"

This made the Doctor laugh. "Felix sapiens, correct? Always were a vain lot, those felix sapiens." He shook his head. Then his gaze wandered to the crushed pieces of the light bee. "Hold up, that's a Series One hologram light bee, isn't it? Why's it all smashed up?"

"We squashed it... him." Lister said. "That was Arnold Rimmer."

"Ah, don't worry. I've fixed worse looking car wreckage. Should get him back online within the hour." the Doctor said, gathering up Rimmer's destroyed light bee. "Unless you don't want him back?"

"Alphabet Head? Hell no, we don't want him back!" Cat said.

"Cat!" Lister cautioned, before turning to the Doctor. "Ignore him. Go ahead and fix Rimmer if you can."

"Will do." the Doctor smiled. "Is there a table? I'm gonna need something to lay all the pieces out on."

"Right this way." Kryten said, and he showed the Doctor out of the cockpit. Lister and Cat exchanged glances.

"Why'd you tell him to fix Rimmer? I know you don't want him back any more than I do!" Cat asked.

"Dunno really. Maybe he won't manage anyway." Lister pointed out.

"You always look on the bright side, buddy!" Cat grinned, and Lister rolled his eyes. The two of them followed Kryten and the Doctor out of the cockpit.

Unnoticed by them, a slimy thing shifted in the shadows...

**Ooooh! Cliffhanger! Review please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: If you wanted to know what the slimy thing was, you're in luck! All will be revealed soon! Enjoy!**

"So you're an alien?" Lister asked the Doctor as he worked feverishly to fix Rimmer's light bee.

"Yup. Time Lord. Last of the." he said.

"Oh hey, sorry to hear it man."

"It's OK." the Doctor said with a shake of his head.

"I know what it's like. Being the last of your kind and all." Lister said. "I'm the last human."

"Don't you think I knew that, Dave?" the Doctor said with a mischievous grin. "It's not difficult to guess, even if the TARDIS hadn't already told me I was three million years into the future in the middle of deep space."

"The what?"

"TARDIS. Stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. It's the blue police box I arrived in." the Doctor explained. "She's a spaceship."

"Oh yeah?" Lister said. "Can I see inside?"

"Just a sec... ah-ha!" the Doctor said triumphantly, holding up Rimmer's light bee. "Fixed him!" The Doctor pressed the switch and threw it up in the air. As it fell to the ground, Rimmer appeared.

"What happened? I feel strange."

"Basically, your ship here, Starbug, got hit by a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff, inside which was my ship, the TARDIS, and I landed here and when you changed to soft light, Dave here, plus Kryten and the Cat, crushed your light bee, and I fixed it up with my sonic screwdriver."

"And what planet are you from?" Rimmer asked sarcastically.

"Gallifrey." the Doctor replied simply. Rimmer's jaw dropped.

"You're an alien?"

"Yep."

"You fixed my light bee?"

"Yep."

"Oh, well, thank you." Rimmer said awkwardly.

"He's gonna show me round his ship. You coming, man?" Lister chimed in.

"Um, all right then." Rimmer answered, and he and Lister followed the Doctor as he bounded out of the room and down to the sleeping quarters. As the three men walked into the sleeping quarters, Rimmer scoffed at the sight of the TARDIS.

"You call that a space ship?" he snorted. "It's minute!"

"I hate to say it, but he's right. It is really small." Lister pointed out.

"Wait and see, my friends. Wait and see." the Doctor grinned, opening the door. "Come on in."

Rimmer and Lister stepped into the TARDIS after the Doctor and gasped.

"I'm space crazy. That's the only explanation. I'm totally space crazy." Rimmer mumbled to himself, amazed.

"What did I tell you?" the Doctor laughed. "She's bigger on the inside than the outside."

"Ya don't say." Lister said, laughing in wonder.

"Caused Arnie here a bit of a bash, you did, old girl." the Doctor said to the ship, patting the console affectionately. "Had to fix him up with the old sonic. Yeah, I know it wasn't your fault."

"He's mad." Rimmer whispered to Lister.

"Dunno bout that, but he's certainly pretty cool!" Lister whispered back with a grin.

"Talking about me, are we?" the Doctor teased them. "Don't look so embarrassed, it doesn't bother me. I have excellent hearing."

"Pardon?" Lister sniggered. The Doctor looked confused for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"Oh, I like you Dave! I like you a lot!" the Doctor chuckled, thumping him on the back.

"Ace won't like this, Listy." Rimmer sing-songed. "What's your boyfriend gonna say to that, 'Skipper', hmm?"

"Ace is not my smegging boyfriend, Rimmer! Smeg off!" Lister snapped.

"Ace?" the Doctor asked. "Did I miss something here?"

"He's an alternate version of Rimmer from another dimension. A Rimmer who became a test pilot in the Space Corps." Lister explained.

"Ah, the Space Corps! Been a while since I crossed paths with _them_!" the Doctor said. "You both used to work for them I assume?"

"Yep. Third Technician Dave Lister and Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, BsC, SsC." Rimmer said proudly, saluting the Doctor in his own special way.

"BsC? Bronze Swimming Certificate?" the Doctor said with a raised eyebrow. It was Lister's turn to burst into laughter.

"Shut up Lister!" Rimmer snarled.

There was a sudden crash of what sounded like a mechanoid's head against the door of the TARDIS.

"Mr. Lister sir! Are you in there?" came Kryten's voice.

"Yeah, I'm here Krytes, what is it?" Lister shouted back.

"There's something in the cargo bay! Something that's not human!"

"Looks like we've found your missing pair of boxers then Listy." Rimmer smirked.

"Smeg off Rimmer! Go ahead Kryters, we're on our way!" Lister called. There were faint clanking sounds as Kryten left the room.

"Something not human? Sounds like my line of work." the Doctor grinned, twirling the sonic screwdriver between his fingers and rocking back on his heels, before swinging open the TARDIS door. "Allons-y!" he said, running off down the corridor. Lister and Rimmer stared after him.

"He doesn't even know where he's going!" Rimmer said, shaking his head. "He's got a screw loose."

"Maybe he took it out with his sonic screwdriver, eh? Eh?" Lister said, nudging Rimmer, who simply rolled his eyes and walked off. Lister shrugged, and followed Rimmer. When they reached the cargo bay, Kryten and Cat were already armed with bazookoids, and Rimmer and Lister each picked one up.

"You're going to kill this thing?" the Doctor said, looking rather horrified.

"Well, we'll probably just give it the run-around and flush it out of the airlock or something." Rimmer admitted.

"But that will still kill it!" the Doctor ranted. "Have you no feeling in your hearts?"

"Well, not if it's what it was last time, which was a polymorph." Lister said. "It sucked out a vital emotion from each of us."

"Ah. Polymorphs. You're in luck, fellas. I've dealt with the blighters before, and I _think_ I can remember the frequency which renders it unable to shape-shift." The Doctor set about fiddling with the settings on his sonic screwdriver. "Funny. It's not responding." He held it close to his face, squinting at it.

"What's this?" Lister asked, holding up an identical sonic screwdriver. The 'boys from the Dwarf' watched in horror as a slobbering monstrosity towered over the Doctor and sucked an emotion out of him. He collapsed to the floor, unconscious as the polymorph shrank away into the shadows.

"Let's get him to the medical room." Lister urged the others. "Hurry!"

Kryten picked up the Doctor and carried him into the medical unit and laid him on the bed. Kryten ran a quick scan and looked rather worried.

"What's missing, Kryten?" Lister asked the anxious android.

"He's lost his compassion, Mr. Lister sir!" Kryten told him.

"No way! I can't believe it outsmarted him!" Lister sighed.

"I can. Pompous git." Rimmer snorted. "Not at all surprised it got him."

"That's your problem though, Rimmer. You see the worst in everyone." Lister pointed out.

"No I don't! I'm _incredibly_ positive!" Rimmer said defensively.

"Oh shut up you smeeee heeeee!" Kryten said to Rimmer. "I'm going to bring him round."

Kryten injected him with some fluid, and the Doctor opened his eyes.

"What're we gonna do now?" Cat asked them, the first contribution he had made.

The Doctor turned to him with an almost evil grin. "I say let's get out there and twat it!"

**Hahaha! The Doctor without compassion's gonna be fun to write! I know I stole Lister's line from Polymorph (Red Dwarf III), but I thought it would fit perfectly! Review please!**


End file.
